"ADD ...... You suck!!!

So I am starting this now and I may post part of it and then finish with another post later on.

My family and friends and I have always joked about me having ADD. I can't focus on things and I say the most random things out of nowhere. There is much more to it then that, but l'll explain more later. Anyway, I recently recorded a special on PBS called ADD and loving it. This was a very eye opening thing for me to watch. The things that the special attributes to ADD were things that I have disliked about myself for as long as I can remember and I had not even the slightest clue that they went hand in hand! So this is kind of a hard thing to talk about, which I'm pretty eureka the first time I've ever said that! Lol. Anyway because it has so much to do about the things I don't like about myself, it is a hard thing to put out there. So I have decided to write about it and what better place then here to do it!

I have not yet been officially diagnosed with this yet. This is one of the reasons that I am so scared and nervous. Am I using this disorder that people are dealing with and having such a hard time with as an excuse for things I don't like about myself so that I can live with bad behavior that I have taught myself?! I have very strong mixed feelings about being diagnosed. If I do have it, then I have a name to put to these crazy thoughts and angering failures that have plagued me for so long. On the other hand if they say I don't have it, then all these failures are mine, and I have no one or nothing to blame, nothing to get rid of this huge weight off my shoulders. If not then its just me and my faults, short comings and failures staring at each other in a dark scary room. The only thing that I can think of that's worse then that room is sitting in it when there may be a way out. With this in mind I will do what I can this week to find out the answer to this question. I'm scared, but I can't let my family deal with my ignoring them and snapping at them just because I can't get my head to focus on that chapter I have to read before class tomorrow, not when there is possible way out of this crazy upside down world that is my head. Part 2 and many more to come.